Message from the Director- It Wasn't Him

In this episode, we reflect on Andrej Lah's July 2014 Message from the Director, "It Wasn't Him" 

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Transcript

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Welcome And Content Warning

SPEAKER_00 0:30

Hello, everyone, and welcome back to CC Airwaves. My name is Paige Matillo, and today we're going to be reflecting on another message from the director. Before we begin today's episode, I want to let our listeners know that our conversation will include sensitive topics surrounding suicide and the loss of a loved one to suicide. We understand that this subject may be difficult or emotional for some listeners, so please take care of yourself as you listen. Our hope in sharing this conversation is to approach suicide and grief with compassion, reduce the judgment and stigma that can surround this type of loss, and remind those who are grieving that they are not alone.

Director Message On Suicide Loss

SPEAKER_00 1:07

With that in mind, I'd like to begin by sharing the message from the director, it wasn't him, written by Andre La. A few weeks ago, I attended the funeral of an old friend. One week prior, he died as the result of suicide. Soon thereafter came the questions, and for some, judgment. Why would he do it? He had a good life. He was always so happy. How could he do this to his family? How could he commit such a selfish act? For some, the determination was already made. He was selfish. Unless you take the time to learn about and understand suicide, it is best to limit your comments to, I am truly sorry for your loss. Suicide is the result of a mental disorder that leads a person to a dark place where light cannot penetrate and death becomes the only option. Death becomes the only way to relieve the pain. No one chooses to die. No one chooses to destroy the lives of the people they love and adore. Suicide is not a choice. My old friend did not come home that day with the intention of destroying everything. He did not choose to forever cause his children to question why. He was in a dark place, and in that moment with the demons were in control. The only way to get rid of them was to end the life that was filled with excruciating pain. The love of family was strong enough in the past, but it could not overcome the demons this time. His wife stood before the congregation and talked to us about her husband. She said he was a loving person that adored her children her and his children. She wanted us to understand that the person who took his life on that day was not the person we had known for so many years. The person they knew and loved was overwhelmed by something that those of us who see the light at the end of the tunnel do not understand. Most understand that the darkness will pass and that the demons will be vanquished. But what if our minds prevent us from knowing? Then what do we do? I ask you all to pray for those who cannot see that light or don't know how to vanquish their demons. Understand that it isn't them when they find themselves overwhelmed by the pain, and in that moment, the only way to remove their anguish is to end their life. Never forget. Never forget that our merciful God embraces all of us, and it is only He who truly knows our hearts. I believe that anyone who dies with the love of Christ in their hearts is seated at the table of our Lord. May God bless all who mourn, for they will find comfort. And now we have Andre with us to discuss this.

Andre’s Immediate Help Appeal

SPEAKER_00 3:46

So, Andre, this was obviously a very heavy topic to write about. What made you what made you write about your friend's death and suicide specifically?

SPEAKER_01 3:57

Well, first of all, Paige, it's not uh not the first time I've written about it. I think um there's a few uh pieces out there. Uh but but let me uh let me start with this. If you are um in a in a moment right now and it seems that suicide is the only answer, um please call. Get some help. Reach out to your family, reach out to reach out, get some professional help. Um call me. I mean, my cell phone is out there. Um if you want somebody to talk to about the about this, um, please. The devastation is is real. Um and and I know that it it seems like that's the only solution, uh, but trust me it's not. And if you're sitting there right now and this is the path you're on, you know, take a few minutes, take a pause, uh sit down and listen to what we're talking about today. And and maybe, just maybe, um, you'll realize that there is it it it may be a faint glimmer, but there's light there. It just it it right now it may be hard for you to see, but trust me, there's people that care about you, that love you, and and they're they will be there for you. And if they know that you are in pain, they'll walk with you. And I know sometimes we in our society make it so that, well, you can't be vulnerable, you can't be this, you can't be that. Um don't allow that to take control. Um, don't allow the demon to guide you down a path that is just it's destructive. And it destroys you too. And I know you've you you you may feel right now that it's the only way out. Um and but you have to trust that it's not. And bottom line is um faith in God, faith in Christ, turning turning that pain over to Christ, um, it will, somehow or another, it will guide you through, and you will find tomorrow is a brighter day because you find in your heart that it you you find some peace um in in believing and knowing uh God's love and and Christ's love as well. So if if you're there right now in that moment um or you're you're feeling it, please just take a moment, step back and and reach out to someone who's ready to help you through the process um of healing. You

Stigma, Judgment, And Church Teaching

SPEAKER_01 6:24

know, suicide's been uh I've I've I've experienced it many times in my life. Um probably the first one and uh is when I wrote Why Are You Whispering. And it all kind of came back when I was dealing with uh a woman who was very angry because she felt that the church, uh the Catholic Church or any church really, uh no one wants to, you know, um create programs and and grief support for people suffering from suicide. I think this, I mean, again, I'm talking 25, 30 years ago now. Um so a lot has changed since then, and a lot of perceptions and attitudes toward it have changed. When I was younger, I mean, everybody thought right away, oh, suicide, it's it's you know, every, you know, you you know the words, oh, you know, it's a coward's way out, or you know, it's all these bad things, and you know, and there were always these teachings that that person is in hell and all these things. But, you know, first of all, don't presume to understand God's mercy. If you're if you're if you're doing uh if you're helping counsel or if you're helping talking to someone, if you're a family member or if you're a friend and and someone you know uh killed themselves, uh died from suicide, don't don't right away start assuming things or that that you know. Um and and I hear all these judgments, and it really is it it's a terri. First of all, if you have if you don't have something positive to say, be quiet, because the family doesn't need your your judgment. They don't need your your little extra, you know, snide remarks. They just don't. And I'm sorry that sounds a little angry, but uh it it it really upsets me because I've I've seen people say horrible things, you know, and and they think they're being cute or funny or maybe they're trying to be helpful or whatever, but it it doesn't. If you don't have anything nice to say about that person, just please just be quiet, because the family doesn't need your judgment. Um it's hard enough dealing with the fact that their loved one died from suicide, that all of a sudden, you know, you know, and and the stigma of it. And the st and and it's and it is it is, it's terrible. And you know, for years, I mean, for centuries, maybe even millennia, you know, sui you know, dying from suicide has always been that that's it's stigmatized as, you know, self-murder, and now you're this, or you're burying in the crossroads, can't be buried in a consecrated ground, you know. That's all changed. And and really, St. John Paul um had a lot to do with that um back in the early 80s when he wrote about, you know, this and and and in a catechism of the church. I mean, it's the catechism of the Catholic Church has a beautiful saying on this, and it it comes right out of there that, you know, do not presume the you know God's to understand God's mercy. We don't we don't know what's in that person's heart, and we certainly don't know what God is going to do when when that person stands before God and Christ. And and I believe completely in God's God's eternal mercy. And if the pain is so great, and and that's I think that's what we don't understand. And if you study if you start researching a little bit more about this topic, maybe your opinion about, oh, that's the coward's way out, will will will you have a little bit of an awakening and realize that you know it's it's just it's it's pain. And it and it comes down to, you know, nobody you can't tell me that the father of you know, that my friend, all right, my c and technically my cousin, because we, you know, he's uh we're we're related through marriage. You can't tell me that this kid that I knew my entire life, that was always happy, always fun, always and he loved his family, he adored his wife. You cannot tell me, and I'm I'm sorry, Paige, if I'm starting a little a little angry, because I I listened to all these people that cast their judgment. You can't tell me that Mike got up one day and decided with his daughter down the hallway and his wife upstairs that he went into this office and shot himself because he he wanted to cause his family pain. At that moment, it wasn't him. And that's when when when she wrote, when she talked about her husband, it wasn't

Memories That Reveal The Hidden Pain

SPEAKER_01 10:30

him. You know, it was if if you go back, I wrote Why Are You Whispering, because it was for my friend Chucky. We were in high school, Charles. Um, and and we were in high school, and I talked to him the night before. He was in his dorm room. We had dorms at our high school, and um he was um you know, he did something stupid happened. And he wouldn't open the door, and I'm like, come on, man, you know, let's just talk, you know. Um and and he just, no, go away, go away. So, you know, I say, hey man, we'll talk, you know, I'll see you in the morning. Well, the morning never came. And and the thing about the thing that I I it struck me more than anything is, you know, I can remember the I I can still see the church on the hill as we're pulling up for his funeral, and I remember the feeling of anxiety uh that I had. And I it it feels like, I mean, if I, you know, I close my eyes, I mean, it's it's just I'm almost there right now. And and then we went back to the the the home, and it was the home was beautiful. I mean, you know, extremely wealthy family. Um I mean, everything was in its place. Everything was perfect. The marble, the, the, you know, the the I mean the the house was immaculate. Um, but it struck me when people were leaning over and old, you know, you know, we were in high school, so there was these older people, parents, whatever, they were they would they would they would come to us and they would ask very quietly, very whisperingly, do you do you know why? Do you have any idea why? And and so that's why I came up with why are you whispering? Because it's like, you know, it it it struck me as very st very odd. Um nobody wanted to talk about anything other than, you know, hey, you know, why did it happen? And um, you know, as a kid, you're I don't know. I mean, I'm I was 18. Probably at that point I may have even been 17, but um it was um it struck me. And um so that was really my first experience uh with with the uh with suicide. And um you know, I really didn't think about it much after that. I mean, I always talked uh thought thought about Chucky and and what had happened and so forth, but then um when I started here, that's when Carol Lore reached out to me and um and it was her son Keith. And um, you know, I mean, just an amazing young man. And he was uh there was some pressure and and there were things going on at work that he was overwhelmed, and and rather than um you know, seeing that there is a potential, that there's probably a way out of this, um, he didn't see it. And and I mean, he didn't do it to to to his family. He he just he felt that was the only way out. And I wish I could go back in time and and tell him that, hey, man, just it'll be okay tomorrow. I wish I could go back in time and I mean I tried to tell Chucky it'll be okay tomorrow, but Chucky didn't, you know, he he was in a in a place where he didn't see it. And that's I think that's what we have to realize. Most of us, when we when we look at a situation or a problem, um, no matter how bad it is, we somehow know that it'll be okay. Um but some of us don't see that light. We don't, we even if there is a slight glimmer of hope, we don't see it. We're blinded, uh, we're blinded by our pain, we're blinded by our and you know, the demons that found themselves uh you know residing in our mind. And so all of a sudden, uh the only solution is to take our lives. And and you know, some would imagine that uh, well, my family will be better off without me. Well, come on, that's not true. And and if if that's on your mind right now, trust me when I tell you, your mom, your dad, your brothers, your sisters, your uncles, your you, or whoever, your best friends, they will talk to you, they will help you, they will, they will walk you through and and and help you get back to um, you know, a place where there is hope, where where you know, and hope is found in faith. I mean, you know, I I don't see any other way of of dealing with these types of traumas than with putting turning it over to God and turning over to Christ. I mean, think of the pain that Christ went through to save us from more or less ourselves, you know, to save us from original sin, to open the door to paradise. I mean, what he suffered, and and he didn't have to do it, but he did it for us. So, you know, when you think of that pain and you think of what Christ suffered through, um, it should help you and understand that, you know, he's there, he embraces you. Um in your darkest moment, there is a hand and and and there is someone that Christ embraces you. So don't please um don't think you're alone. Because even even when you may not have someone, you do have Christ.

Speaking Openly And Supporting Grief

SPEAKER_00 15:37

The reason we're talking about this specific message from the director is because September is suicide prevention month. Now, Andre, why is it important to have these conversations like this openly instead of maybe avoiding the topic?

SPEAKER_01 15:51

Because suicide is real. And um, you know, for me personally, I've experienced the pain of the after. Um, I've experienced the morning, the grieving of the mom, the grieving of the dad. Um, you know, I I I remember some years ago, I talked to a dad. Um, and it it people come to me for any number of reasons. There's a, you know, they call me because there's a bouquet holder missing, they call me because the, they're upset because the flowers were taken, they're upset because of any number of reasons. And nine, nine out of ten times, it's really not the, it's, it's, it's a minor problem that we can talk take care of, but I think they're just there's an anger there. So I remember talking to a dad one time, and I I don't obviously don't remember why he called, but he reached out and we uh we talked for phew, my God, it had to be a good hour, hour and a half. And um and finally, and and he was angry. He was he wasn't angry at his son. He was angry that he didn't see that his son was in pain. And and he was, and he told me that every time he goes to the cemetery to visit his son, he's angry. And he's and he and he just he can't he can't bear the you know that that he's see the suffering um that that his son must have experienced for him to go down that path. And so I asked him a couple of questions. I asked him, first of all, uh, you know, and I he he got a little mad at me. I could tell in his voice, I asked, Did you love his son? Well, of course I loved my son. And I said, okay. Um then do you ever think that that love was enough to keep him uh here for all those years and that one day it just something broke? And and no matter how much you loved him, the darkness overwhelmed that. So it's a it's a d demonic thing. Um I'm very convinced that there's a there's an evil in our world that will cloud your judgment and prevent you from seeing the love of your family, the love of people that care about you. And it it it just throws it it like this demon throws a dark um cloth across your eyes and and prevents you from seeing that, you know, in that case that that father loved his son more than you can even begin to imagine. So then we, you know, then p came the how do you deal with the grief part? And and I asked him, I said, Do you have, you know, I know you have this one last memory of your son where he killed himself, um, but do you and I know that's kind of a, you know, I know there's all kinds of different things about that, killed himself, committed suicide, died from suicide. Um I know we we we come at it from different directions, but the bottom line is he died. And I asked the father, I said, Do you have happy memories of of your son? And he, again, he got very irritated with me because he didn't understand the question. And and um I said, maybe the next time you go visit, instead of being angry that you didn't see his pain, let him know how much you cared for him and how much you loved him and how much the memories bring you joy because you had many happy moments. Because I don't believe that someone who dies from suicide is in hell. I don't believe that um they are somehow cast out into, you know, I don't believe that the merciful God that I love and the merciful Christ that I know is going to abandon someone because their darkness was so overwhelming that the demons controlled, you know, took such control that there was no one there to help them through. So once you enter into that place where you are standing before God, God knows your heart. God knows, you know, Jesus knows who you are. And so do not presume to understand their mercy and and and their love. And so when you cast judgment on someone because they decided that that was the well, again, it they didn't decide because I don't believe you choose to go down that road. I believe that it is a darkness that drags you into that situation. Um and so don't assume that you know God's love.

Remembering A Life Beyond The Death

SPEAKER_00 20:03

Now, Andre, how do we talk about someone who has died by suicide without allowing the circumstances of their death to define their entire life?

SPEAKER_01 20:13

By talking about the wonderful things that they did. So when I see his his wife, who's, you know, she's she's doing well, she's great, um you know, she found a a new life. And it you know, there's always that in the back of her mind, and there's always that pain that I can see when I talk to her. But, you know, um we talk about Mike, we talk about, we do talk about how he died, and we talk about how he lived. And um, you know, the best thing to do is talk about how they lived. Um when I talk about anyone that died that way. Um, you know, I've and I've had I I you know, I could sit here and tell you all these different stories. I mean, when I talk to my friend Tom about his son, um, him and his wife uh at Margie, and I talk about um Tommy, and I'll never forget, I I'll never forget. He called me one night, um, this was some years ago, and um he, you know, all he said he was you could you could hear the pain in his voice, and I'm like, Tom, what's up? What's going on? And and he goes, Andre, I I need your help. My my son shot himself last night. And um, and this was, you know, and it was again the the it was a hard, it was just a hard, hard situation. But, you know, he was a wonderful kid. He was a wonderful guy. He was, he, you know, there were so many positives. And and so why focus on that one moment and and and and not think about and not talk about um the rest of their lives? I mean, they're not defined by that moment. Unfortunately, um we as a people seem to focus on the wrong things sometimes. And and I and I wouldn't hesitate to talk about their death. um if that's where the family wants to wants to go. Because and and they need to know that there's hope. They they need to a family needs to understand and appreciate that the you know the true nature of God's love and and and Jesus' embrace is is is beyond our we really don't truly understand how how great it truly is. And and again I I tell the families um there's there is no absolute that their their child or their loved one is someplace where we taught for millennia that oh you're in in in a bad place or whatever. I don't believe that I simply don't I don't accept that. And I don't accept that someone suffering that level of pain that that that finds themselves in that moment of darkness where the demon does what they do what what the demon does that all of a sudden God abandons that child. Because it's it's that person is God's child. We are the children of God. We are made in the likeness and image of God and we should never forget that. So please when you're talking to families who have suffered that type of loss remember that that we are all children of God.

SPEAKER_00 23:12

I completely understand what you're saying. I lost a friend to suicide uh when I was in high school she was on my soccer team and I remember after church someone said you know it's a real shame that she's going to hell and I never spoke to that person again because like you said I could not imagine a God who is so forgiving and so loving just sending someone who is in that much pain to hell. So I couldn't do it.

SPEAKER_01 23:38

I I and I completely agree with you because I don't I don't I there's nothing that could convince me that that is the that is the truth because then that I would have to accept that God has an evil side. And I don't I I don't believe that at all. The evil was cast out into hell uh and and that that evil's name is Lucifer or Satan or or the devil or whatever name you want to want to cast upon that that that evil angel. And again who am I to understand the demonic influences that that drive someone to that level of devastation? Because they're not you know and you hear from people who sir who survived the attempt and and they're like oh my God I I I'm so glad it it didn't work and and so forth. So how do I know that that person in that moment of darkness as the demon as the demon succeeds that that person in that moment isn't isn't terri terribly sorry. And God knows that person's heart. So again um I you know I don't believe that that uh the God that I that I know and love um has a hardness for for that and and and again I turn to the catechism of the Catholic Church. Now and again it's it's an act against God and all these things and I get all that because you know it's it's unnatural. My um father Wright who used to be the director right before me his nephew died from suicide and we had a long conversation about it because I really did spend a lot of time studying you know this this thing. And you know I I don't think any of us in a moment of anguish in a moment of fear in a moment of of difficulty in a moment of you know maybe I would be better off if I just died. You know those words come out of everybody's mouth. I know you know it it it doesn't it it's just human nature. And what what Father Wright the the example he used was when you're drowning, what is your instinct? Well your instinct is to get to the surface and breathe. So if you're going contrary to the the fundamental human instinct of of of life of living then isn't isn't it safe to assume that something s some type of you're possessed by something unnatural something that a darkness that you can't begin to explain or understand because you are going against everything that is life. So therefore when you turn to the catechism of the church and you see that the church basically says that there's a mental illness you know and do not and it it is said right there do not presume to understand God's mercy. So I'm not here to tell you um to understand to understand God's mercy. I'm here to tell you that God is merciful. I'm here to tell you that Jesus is loving pure love and so you know and and I know the people that I the the people that have been left in the wake of of of that devastation they're suffering they're mourning and they need hope and it's easy to have hope when you understand that God is pure love. It is easy to have hope when you understand that Christ is truly loving and merciful. And so don't despair um have hope.

Hope, Reaching Out, And Closing

SPEAKER_01 27:13

Andre are there any final words you'd like to leave the listeners with please I beg of you if you're in that moment and you're feeling the pain reach out and talk to someone if if you're not comfortable with professional help talk to talk to a family member that you believe in that you trust that knows they won't judge you. There's nothing unforgivable there is nothing that that that you know families families are really unique in their structure because they accept you no matter what kind of a pain you are and and and they just love you. And I ask you please don't cause the devastation because it's it it doesn't just devastate the family it it creates it creates questions and and doubts and and and a lot of wonder as to you know why would you leave us? Why would you do this? Why why you know the the the whys are so extensive. So I beg of you please if if this is a path that you're on just call someone and if if if if this message gets to you and you don't have anybody to call call me and we'll talk it through because I promise you tomorrow the sun's going to come up and and within a very short period of time as you start to as you start to open up about this and open up why you're in this moment, you're gonna find that the demon disappears and because the demon cannot the demon has no control over you when you let when you light let the light of Christ into your heart.

SPEAKER_00 28:51

Andre, thank you for being willing to share something so personal and for having this important conversation with us today. I think one of the biggest things I hope our listeners take away from this episode is the importance of compassion. We never fully know what another person is carrying and sometimes the greatest thing that we can offer someone is simply our presence, our kindness and a willingness to listen. And for those who have lost someone to suicide I hope you remember that the way your loved one died does not define the life they lived. Remember the laughter remember the things they loved remember the difference they made in your life remember the person they were not simply the circumstances surrounding their death. And as we recognize Suicide Prevention Month let this also be a reminder to check in on the people around you. Ask the question make the phone call listen without judgment and if you are the person who is struggling please tell someone reaching out for help is a sign of strength and you deserve support. Thank you for joining us for this important episode of CC Airwaves may we continue to lead with compassion look out for one another and remind the people in our lives that they matter. Until next time take care of yourself take care of one another and God bless.