Message from the Director- Tears

In this episode, we reflect on Andrej Lah's April 2026 Message from the Director, "Tears". 

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Transcript

Welcome And Settle In

SPEAKER_00 0:32

Hello, everyone, and welcome back to CC Airwaves. My name is Paige Matilla. Today, we're taking time to reflect on a powerful piece written by our director of cemeteries, Andre La, titled Tears. It's a deeply moving reflection on grief, compassion, and what it truly means to share in the pain of others. In this episode, I'll be reading Andre's article and inviting you to pause and reflect on the meaning behind it, what tears represent, how they connect us, and how we are called to respond when we encounter someone in their grief. And then later, Andre will be joining us to share what inspired him to write the piece. So wherever you are, take a moment to slow down and let these words speak to you. And Jesus wept. John 1135. When I first arrived at our Catholic cemeteries, I thought I understood what tears meant. Like many of us, I believe they were simply an expression of sadness or joy. I never took the time to reflect on what it meant when a stranger shared their tears with you. People shed tears for many reasons. In response to difficult news, the loss of a loved one, life's hardships, or even moments of overwhelming joy. Even a movie can make us cry. They reflect the breadth of our emotions, and in those moments can only be expressed through tears. A great deal of my time at Catholic cemeteries has been spent talking to grieving families, and through these experiences, I have learned the true meaning of their tears. It is a rare privilege to accept the gifts of a stranger's tears when they are seeking comfort in a moment of despair. Death is one of life's greatest mysteries, and the emotional roller coaster ride it sends you on can be terrifying. My first experience with this kind of emotion came nearly 25 years ago, and I reflect on it often. The call was from a mother whose 16-year-old daughter died tragically after a simple procedure. I do not recall why she called, but I remember talking to her about her daughter and her sons. The story was tragic, and her devastation has impacted me to this day. After her call, I told God that I could not do this job, and I yelled at him that I did not ask for this. The emotional roller coaster ride this mom took me on was intense and nearly broke me. But God showed me that taking on her pain was why he needed me. A decade later, she sent me a beautiful card. That experience reminds me that God has entrusted me with the tears of those grieving the loss of a loved one. He grants me the privilege of taking on the burden of their grief and sharing their tears with them. I recognize that the only way to help someone suffering such excruciating pain is to take on some of it yourself. Their suffering must become yours too. And as you give part of your heart, you may offer them a little bit of peace. It is in those moments that we are given an opportunity to be Christ-like. Our humanity is completely visible in moments of emotional vulnerability. Do you ever reflect on the time when Christ wept? Despite knowing that through the Father, he had power over death, he still wept. There are several interpretations of why Christ wept, but for me, it is simple. He experienced a very human emotion, and in that moment, all he could do was weep. His tears brought Jesus that much closer to us. His humanity is evidence of greatness of our God and his desire to understand us, his children. May God bless each of you as we celebrate Easter. And the next time you see a stranger shedding a tear, don't walk away. Give them that peace that comes from sharing of this precious human emotion. So now we have Andre La joining us in the studio. Andre, I would love to know what inspired you to write specifically about this experience when it happened 25 years ago. What brought it up so recently that it made you want to focus on it for the message of the director?

SPEAKER_01 4:22

You know, I guess there wasn't anything recent other than the fact that I just um I reflect on that conversation often because it guides me in how I um how I communicate with others over the years. Uh and it really um it changed me in ways. And so, you know, I mean I think sometimes people when they they think of um their Catholic cemeteries and they think of the director and they think of, you know, oh you're this or you're that or you're making decisions that impact me, and you know, my bouquets are gone. And you know, that the the bouquet mausoleum cleanup was was, you know, I mean it exposed a lot of issues. Um, you know, I mean we had to do the cleanup, but it, you know, it it it kind of reminds me of the of the grief that people suffer when they uh you know when they bring something to the cemeteries. And I I guess uh tears is it's one of those ways of me expressing to the families that we serve that we don't it's not like we're just here to, you know, oh yeah, we bury you or bury the dead and we we do these things and we don't consider the impact of of what we do on the families we serve. And so and part of it was that I wanted families to understand that the person making the decisions that do impact them. Uh, for example, when we do pull the bouquets or when we do have to move a cross and that cross is damaged or whatever, I mean, i we're just human. And and these human, you know, these humans make mistakes sometimes or they they have to do things that are not popular, and but I don't want anybody to ever believe that somehow or another that uh we do it callously or without consideration or without thought into the grief that these people are suffering from in the loss of a loved one. And you know, this mom in particular, I like I said, it was something I I don't really remember why, because you know, over the over the least 20, 25 years I've dealt with a lot of different families, but um it she was the one that kind of set me on that path of understanding what it meant to have someone share tears with you. I uh you know, I had a mom recently um who found her son uh OD'd, and um it's a long story, but suffice it to say that uh she was devastated, her only child. He was 22 years old. And um, you know, and and ultimately she was angry because of the decorations on the mausoleum, and and so I met with her and eventually we uh you know she shared her tears with me. And I I it it it's an incredible privilege to uh we you know when someone breaks down emotionally in that way with you, instead of and so the anger um transforms into something else. It's it's a mourning, it's a it's it's an it's an opportunity for them to understand that you know as a human being, I share your I I I certainly do you know join with you in the tears of of of sorrow that you experience from the loss of your young child, your you know, your child. And and uh it's the same way with anybody else. I mean, it's uh you know, I if I if I sat down here and and really counted over, you know, the number of people that can pop into my head over, you know, I'll drive through a cemetery and and I see these headstones and I see the names and I I recognize so many of them. And in in many cases, I'll remember a conversation with a loved one because of whatever. Maybe a rut was left in the, you know, the the Cushman went up and put a rut or tracks on the headstone, and and uh they're angry because you know they feel as though we just don't care. And I I I want our I want our families to know how much we do care. And I and you know, I I spend the time with the staff and I I talk to the field guys and I I certainly do express to them the importance of what they do and and how important it is for them to be cons you know careful out there. But again, some things are unavoidable. And um but I think you know when I look out amongst our staff, we're we're very blessed to have people that that do care and that do want to do right by the people we serve. And so tears is really just my way of telling our families that you know the the people that serve them in the capacity of of our cemeteries, and when you know we really it we do take it seriously, and and their mourning is something we certainly acknowledge and would never um do anything to violate.

SPEAKER_00 9:00

And in the article, you talk a little bit about how you had a turning point where you told God that you couldn't do the job anymore. Can you tell us a little bit more about that? Have you had a lot of those moments over the years?

SPEAKER_01 9:11

I I've I've had a few, but that was probably the biggest one because I um I could still feel the uh the emotions that I felt um, you know, whenever whenever I think of uh I'll just call her Linda. Um whenever I think of Linda and her daughter and and she had two twin boys, um and it just um I I literally got up, I went into that little bathroom that you know off to the side, and I got on my knees and started, I mean, just bawling. I I I couldn't believe, I could not believe how she took me to a place of just raw emotion. And it it just dawned on me when I, you know, I yelled at God, and then everything kind of settled down and and things got quiet. And then I had more experiences where people uh would cry on the phone and explain to me why why they were hurt or why this, or you know, and it was it was kind of you know, you kind of just develop this understanding of of people and and that emotion and um the and grief. And um, you know, and we all grieve differently, but ultimately it's all painful.

SPEAKER_00 10:28

And why did you think something as simple as tears deserved this deep of a reflection because of what they are.

SPEAKER_01 10:36

I mean, you know, when when when someone cries, I mean, think about, you know, you're you you see your new uh grandson and you cry. You see your you see your daughter getting married and you cry. You uh you know, your wife is ill and and you're dealing with that, and and you know, you you watch her suffering and and you cry. And you know, your father, um you you walk into a room and your father's body is there and and you cry. So it is the it is the it is the greatest expression of human emotion is you know tears. And um how many societies consider tears to be because it's they're they're you know they're they're salty, they're water, they're they're like um they're they're one of the most important parts of life. And so when you think about tears, um that is just an expression of so many different emotions that it um it encapsulates so much. And so you really have to um, you know, when you think of people sharing them with you, what an what a privileged position to be in. You know, to have them look at you and and uh as you're telling their story, uh they start they, you know, and oftentimes, you know, you as they're crying, you start crying and you're but you know, so you're you're you're it's a mutual sharing, if you will, because you want, you do want to experience or under make them understand that you you do feel for their for them and for their pain and and you do acknowledge that they're suffering. And and you don't want anybody to walk away from a conversation thinking that somehow, you know, oh you know, I just shared my pain with you and you don't care. Um and and that is the worst thing that you can, you know, a person can experience when they're when they're in that raw state of emotion.

SPEAKER_00 12:28

And how did that experience with Linda shape how you approach grieving families today?

The Bandage Metaphor For Cemetery Rules

SPEAKER_01 12:35

Uh it just made me understand better. You know, before that, I mean, obviously I I experienced death. Um I experienced uh, you know, um, whether it was a friend or whether it was uh, you know, a grandparent and others, yeah, you know, aunts, uncles, so forth. So you you understand death, you understand well, it happens and so forth, and you just um until you dive into the grief that people experience um when they're visiting or when they're dealing with their loved ones, and the the you know, for us, cemeteries are often the last expression of love that we can offer a family member by flot with flowers or whatever. And so uh it really is just one of those things where until you truly experience a stranger's tears, and I never, I mean, before this opportunity, you know, before being in this position, I never really, you know, strangers' tears were very rare. I mean, you know, maybe on you see somebody on TV crying or whatever, you don't, you know, or or you're you go to a funeral and you see people crying, you you know, I mean it's it's one of those things where you really you don't make that connection un until you really dive deep into the grief of a of a of mourning uh strangers. I mean, most of the people that I meet, I I don't, you know, I don't know them, but they come to me and they have a concern, they have a complaint, you know, they want to yell at me for something, um, which you know happens. And it's okay. I can take, you know, I've I've learned to accept that that screaming and yelling because usually it is it is something deeper than just that bouquet that was taken away or or or a decoration because it's it's a it's it's pain that is deep, and that decoration is usually this uh just on the surface, and it just you you know it's like take taking a band-aid off. So when you take that that um that decoration off somebody's grave, you're ripping the band-aid off of a of a of a of a wound. And you know, as long as you know that, and as long as you understand that, and so to our families, I say to you that, you know, when we make decisions that that do impact you know you in that way, a decoration, a thing, or whatever, I don't want anybody ever to think that we do it so you know callously or without without thought of how it will impact them, because I I know that it it is in that moment that I've in I've authorized the removal of that band-aid, and I know that that there will be pain. But there's that other side of running a cemetery that you have no choice because you have to maintain it, you have to do all these things, you have to take care of the properties. There is a it uh for lack of a better way of describing it, there is a business side to the cemetery operation, and those things have to be maintained, and we have to do that. So, but I I guess it was important for me that our families understand that we don't just it it's not some casual thing that we do. Um it it's not as if we're out there trying to trying to hurt them. No, please, that's not it at all. Uh, I mean we're just you know, so I want you to understand that we really do, or at least I really do, and I know our famil our our staff is very much in line with me on this. We really do um think through these things that we need to do because it's it's important that families are taken care of and their tears matter.

SPEAKER_00 16:13

And I feel like I speak on behalf of everyone on the staff and you when I say that when families share their stories of their loved ones with us, it sticks with us. I mean, even this is 25 years ago and you still reflect on it. I mean, these they stay with us. I remember when I first started, I was hearing stories from families and like those have stayed with me the last five years. And I think they'll stay with me the rest of my life. And I feel like I know these people from these stories. So it's not like you know, one and done, we forget, like we remember them and we try to take care of them the best that we can. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 16:44

That is absolutely 100% true. And I think the majority of our staff, if not every member of our staff, is is you know, feels that because they, you know, especially the field guys are out there, the office staff, you know, when the families come in and there's a tragedy. Um, you know, and in it it's funny, then in some cases there's there's laughter. Um there's tears, but there's also tears, you know, there's also tears of joy because you know, somebody lived to be in their 90s and you know, they were they were up until the uh they were driving up until last week. But then you're dealing with that family that's uh who, you know, they took their child to the hospital with what seemed to be the flu, and next thing they know they're they're planning a funeral.

SPEAKER_00 17:27

Yeah, every death is unique.

Weeping With Others And Finding Hope

SPEAKER_01 17:31

And those are the those are the ones that just you know they all are heartbreaking, even the person in their 90s, but you can you can it you can there's a lot more joy with that death because you know the journey. And I guess tears also, you know, when you think of Christ wept, I mean, here is the King of Kings. The the you know, I mean he he's about to yes, I know he's about to go through what he went through, but at the you know, when he just learned about Lazarus, I mean he knew that Lazarus was dead, and when he and and he saw them, and he saw Martha and he saw Mary and in all of that, the King of Kings, the the son of the creator of the universe, cried. He cried because of his very that it it was his way and the only way that he knew to express that very human emotion was to cry. And so it really makes you think about uh his humanity and what he asks of us as as we do minister to those who are suffering the loss of a loved one. Um and to make sure that they all know that we weep with them. And I think that's I guess that's the point I, you know, now that I think about it even more, even more, thank you for this opportunity, by the way. Um when I think about it even more, is just to people understand that we do weep with them, we do share their grief and and and we do give a piece of ourselves. And and I can tell you that uh one of one of the things that sometimes I wonder if I can continue to do is to take on that pain because it does. It it's hard, but it's so worth it because you know that that you know your efforts made their life a little bit more peaceful. Um you helped them through a moment of despair, and maybe, just maybe, you gave them uh a little hope that that some that things would be okay.

Share Your Thoughts And Newsletter

SPEAKER_00 19:42

Thank you for taking the time to reflect with us today on this powerful message. If this piece resonated with you, you can share your thoughts on the blog post. The link is in the description. And if you're looking for more reflections like this, along with resources, updates, and support, we invite you to sign up for our monthly e-newsletter, also linked in the description. Thank you again for joining us on CC Airwaves. Until next time, God bless.