When Your Best Friend Dies

Losing your best friend can bring an overwhelming sense of grief that often feels isolating, especially when society doesn’t recognize the loss of a friendship as a significant form of bereavement. In this episode, we welcome Julia Ellifritt from Cornerstone of Hope to address this reality and acknowledge it for what it truly is: a legitimate, life-altering loss that deserves support.

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Transcript

Why Best Friend Grief Hurts

SPEAKER_00 0:34

Welcome back to CC Airwaves. My name is Paige Matilla, and today we're discussing a type of grief that often doesn't get talked about enough: the loss of a best friend. Friendships hold such a unique place in our lives. Our best friends are often the people we share everyday moments with, the ones who know our stories, our struggles, our inside jokes, and the parts of us that others may never see. When that person is suddenly gone, the loss can feel overwhelming and deeply personal. Today I'm joined by Julia Elefret from Cornerstone of Hope, an organization dedicated to supporting individuals and families through grief. Julia works closely with people who are now getting loss. And in this episode, we're going to talk about the grief that comes with losing a best friend, why it can feel so different from the other types of loss, how people can cope during this difficult time, and how friends, family, and communities can offer support. So, Julia, thank you so much for joining us today. It's been a while since you've been on the podcast. Thank you. Thank you for having me. No problem. I think the last time you were here, we might have been talking about Disney and grief.

SPEAKER_01 1:38

I think so. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:39

Yeah. That was a great podcast episode for those who want to go back and listen. We talked about how Disney movies portray grief in ways that children can understand, and it kind of helps them develop that those feelings. So yeah, Julia was really great on that podcast. And I can't wait to talk to you today about this subject. So why don't you tell our listeners a little bit about Cornerstone of Hope for those who might not be familiar with the organization?

unknown 2:07

Sure.

SPEAKER_01 2:08

Cornerstone of Hope is a bereavement center. We're located in Independence, Ohio, just right at 77 and 480. So, you know, close to both East Side and West Side. And we see clients who've suffered a loss. I mean they've lost somebody to death. Our programs are pretty much support groups and counseling. And we do groups based on type of loss. So we're very specific. So we have a suicide loss group, a murder loss group, an overdose group, an infant loss group. Because we have so many people coming to Cornerstone, we can make the groups very specific. So you know that if you're coming to a 10-week group at Cornerstone, you're going to meet eight, 10, 12 other people who've had the same loss. Now, nobody grieves the same way. So we don't all do it the exact same way. But if you have a general group where one person lost their loved one to suicide, one lost an infant, one lost their one to cancer, those are okay, but we just feel like if we can get real specific, we could get through that process a little bit differently. So yeah, we also have memorial programs. We have three camps in the summer that are completely free for kids. So if you have children that are grieving, I mean go on our website, cornersmothofope.org and get information on our camps.

SPEAKER_00 3:16

So yep, I love you guys. I love working with you guys. Your guys' mission is so important and definitely connects to our mission at the Catholic Cemeteries Association. I know that you guys recently had your uh gala this past weekend. Halloween.

SPEAKER_01 3:33

Uh Saturday night, yeah. It was wonderful downtown. Yep.

SPEAKER_00 3:36

Yep. Um, someone won the car, I'm assuming.

unknown 3:39

It wasn't.

SPEAKER_01 3:40

Someone did win the car, but someone else did. Not me. Yeah, we have all kinds of great auction prizes and we raffle off a car. So yeah, it's a great event. Uh, really supports all of our programming that we do during the year.

SPEAKER_00 3:54

And there is no greater cause than to help those through grief.

Disenfranchised Grief And Bereavement Leave

SPEAKER_01 3:58

We know it's something that 100% of us experience. So there's not many things except for reversals and taxes that we can say everybody's going to experience at some point in their life and losing a loved one, nobody escapes that. We all get to do that.

SPEAKER_00 4:12

So getting back on to the topic today, uh, when we talk about grief, we usually talk about someone losing a spouse or a family member. Uh, why can the loss of a best friend be just as devastating? Well, let me tell you a couple things.

SPEAKER_01 4:26

First, um, family is sometimes who you create it to be. Family is not always about blood. Um, a lot of people have you know close relationships with their parents or their siblings or their kids, but not everybody. And so family is sometimes who you create that to be. And so for many people, they're good friends. I really like their family. But what I would say is that we don't always recognize losing a friend. It's kind of a disenfranchised grief because if you get um bereavement leave at your organization, it is because you've lost a parent, a child, or a spouse. Like that's the way it's defined. Well, if you maybe didn't grow up with a close relationship with those people, but you have a you're just your best friend that has been with you through thick and thin for 20 years and that person dies, that's a more significant loss maybe to you than losing a sibling or a parent. So I think we don't give enough credit to the fact that those friend relationships are sometimes really critical and pivotal in our lives, sometimes more so than a family member. And again, we don't acknowledge that when we do bereavement leave that you're a friend. The same thing with losing a grandparent. We don't acknowledge that. So maybe your grandmother raised you because your mom was absent, but you lose a grandmother, you don't get bereavement leave for that typically. So I think that's uh is is important to note. Um, your friends are also the people I think you mentioned when we started that walk through life with you. You know, you'll have your parents for a number of years, but your friends are with you like you grow old together. And when you lose a friend or when you go through a difficult divorce or other things that happen to us in life, your friends are, I mean, that's your tribe. Those are the people that are there with you. So to lose somebody, the person that you would go to to talk about how devastated you are is the one you've lost. And so there's that lack of sense of support and security that you have. Um, again, it's losing a friend is so difficult, and it's something that we don't talk about because, again, you're right, we have groups for loss of a parent, loss of a child. We don't have a specific group for loss of a friend. It's different. But equally important.

Why This Loss Feels Different

SPEAKER_00 6:30

Yeah. And how might griefs for a best friend show up differently than other types of loss?

SPEAKER_01 6:36

Well, there's a lot of reasons that we grieve differently. Um, and who we lose is one of those things. We grieve differently, men and women grieve differently based on your age, based on your culture. Um, but again, on based on your friendship, there are certain cultures that your friend like holds more weight, there is a more significant relationship. So, what's important is um the nature of that relationship. And the way I always explain the nature of a relationship is if uh if phage I went to the doctor and they said, Julia, you've got a bad heart, you should never exercise again, I would say, Thank God, because I hate to exercise, right? But if they told you that you couldn't exercise and you're a marathon runner, that would be devastating for you, right? It's the same loss. The question is what does that loss mean to you? And that's when we're talking about a friend. Sometimes those friendship relationships mean more to us emotionally, personally, than a biological relationship. So the question is, uh, what did that friendship mean to you? And so we grieve to the extent that we love. One of my favorite quotes from grief is by C.S. Lewis, who says, the pain now is part of the happiness then. That's just the deal. So if I ask people what's the opposite of love, most people say the opposite of love is hate or indifference. I think the opposite of love is grief. The more you love somebody, the more incredibly sad you're going to be when they're gone. And so, again, society, we recognize losing a parent, a child, or a spouse, but you can have a great friend relationship that that has been since kindergarten. Your best friend, you went through college together, you got married together, you went through divorces together, you raised kids, and and that's a huge relationship to lose. But again, we don't always acknowledge it. So, what is that, what does that relationship mean to you, whether it's a biological relative or a good friend, that's the important thing that makes it different.

SPEAKER_00 8:23

Yeah, I know my best friend and I, we met in high school and we have just gone through so much together. You know, we went through two graduations, we went to the same college, and we talk every day. I mean, we even joke about how a meshed we are because we are just always texting. I'm sure if I opened my phone right now, I would have a text from her. And I just can't, you know, imagine losing a relationship like that.

SPEAKER_01 8:46

And so how bro, so those relationships, those relationships also like I may not tell my mom that I went out to this frat party and you know got drunk with my friends or did some, you know, or was spent a million dollars on a prom shoes or you don't always want to tell your family everything, but your bestie, like that's who you're doing, you're doing that with, like you said. Yeah.

Coping Through The Hard First Months

SPEAKER_00 9:08

What are some healthy ways people can cope with the loss of their best friend?

SPEAKER_01 9:13

Well, I think to actually go through the grieving process is huge. Um and that means that we start by just feeling all the feels of sadness and emptiness and yuckiness, and I don't want to get out of bed, and I can't imagine how I go on. Like all those feelings we have to feel. We I always say you can't heal what you can't feel. Um, so you have to process that loss in a way that's healthy. And then you have to figure out I think the big piece of grief is who I am without that person. So, what is my life gonna look like? Now, who who's gonna not that you ever replace somebody, but now who am I gonna go to now when I need to talk to somebody? It's like you've got to start over and develop a new friend, maybe. And those are the tricky pieces of grief is what am I gonna be now? How am I gonna be without this person in my life? That's that's a big chunk of the grief process. But before you can get to that point, you have to actually walk through the pain of grief. You're numb for a while, just kind of going through the motions. I tell clients all the time, if your shoes match, you're having a great day because it's hard to remember to brush your teeth when you're grieving and to make sure your shoes match and all that kind of thing. So that first piece of grief for months is just literally surviving. But then the end goal is who am I going to be without that person? And how am I gonna honor them every day the rest of my life? How am I gonna incorporate their memory into my life? Because you can make other friends, but that doesn't replace the person that you lost. And so, how do I move forward? How do I still celebrate that person's birthday? How do I honor their life as I move forward in my brief? That's the that's the challenge.

What Helps Versus What Hurts

SPEAKER_00 10:42

And for someone listening, uh who is a friend, maybe who has lost their best friend, what are some helpful ways they can offer support?

SPEAKER_01 10:54

Um, I would say number one, to mention the person's name. So many times when we lose somebody, we never hear their name anymore, and we love hearing names. And so instead of saying, uh, Paige, how are you doing since your friend died? to say, How are you doing since Sally died? Much better. It's the same sentiment, but now, okay, I've acknowledged that you've had this person's Sally that you lost. So use the person's name. Um, talk to people. People say, Well, I don't want to bring it up because I don't want to remind him. Like, you're not reminding anybody that they're grieving, right? So bring it up and say, This must have been a hard week for you. How are you doing? Um, you know, when uh events happen that your best friend would have been at your baby shower or something, just to acknowledge that, man, Sally would have loved to have been here today to celebrate with you. Yes, they may cry for a minute, but they would much rather you recognize that they've had this loss of a significant person than just so many people say, like, I'm just not gonna bring it up. I'm gonna they're thinking about it all the time. So bring it up. They may cry, but bring it up because it just it reinforces that I had this friendship that was valid and I'm missing it now.

SPEAKER_00 11:58

See, honestly, that's something that I struggle with when someone goes through a loss, whether it be a best friend or someone else that's really close to them. I'm one of the people that's like, you know what, they probably don't want me to bring it up. I shouldn't ask about it. But you're saying that it's even better to ask about it because it acknowledges their loss.

SPEAKER_01 12:14

Because of what otherwise, what they're thinking is, gosh, nobody even remembers I'm sad. Like if you see Mrs. Smith lost her son last day, and you see her at church on Sunday on Mother's Day, people are like, Oh, I don't want it. No, this is that's a horrible day for somebody if you've lost a child, Mother's Day or Father's Day. So to be able to say, Mrs. Smith, I'm so sorry that Sally died this year. How are you doing? Yes, they may cry, they may shed a tear, but they're they're uh gonna be so grateful that you remembered and that you said something to them. Yeah, and it's about our our uncomfort usually.

SPEAKER_00 12:47

It's not about their uncomfort. That is so true. And kind of on that same track, uh, is there something that people should avoid saying or during this doing during this time?

SPEAKER_01 12:58

So I call them cliches. Cliches are statements like, well, at least they're out of pain. Well, at least they're in a better place in life. Yeah, they're in a better place. God needs another rose for his garden, or like if you've had a miscarriage, you're young, you'll get pregnant again. So, what are clichés? Cliches are statements, they may factually be true. Yes, they're out of pain, yes, they're in a better place. But when you're hurting, do you want people to appeal to your intellect or to your heart, to your heart every single time? And the other second unspoken part of every cliche is this. So you should just be okay. You could get pregnant again, you should be okay. They're in a better place, you should be okay. They lived a good long life, you should be, and we're not okay. And so to say those things, um, I would say they'll be in my office talking about you, so don't say those things. All you really have to say is, I'm so sorry. And we get tripped up when we don't know what to say. When your neighbor comes out and says, My husband just had a massive heart attack and died, and we think, oh gosh, how do I make sense of that? It's horrible. And we just say, Oh, God mustn't need another, or at least it happened quickly. Like, ah, no, we don't say those things. You just, I'm so sorry. I had a client who went to the grocery store every week. She was married for 50 years and her husband died. And uh the first time she went to the grocery store after he died, the clerk says to her, Well, at least your grocery bill's cut in half now. Oh, yeah, is that factually true? Maybe. Was that helpful? Absolutely not. So, again, don't say cliches. I think the worst cliche of all is I know exactly how you feel. Because we don't know how anybody feels, because there's too many things that make how we go through this process different. And so maybe I lost my mom a year ago to suicide, and you just lost your mom to cancer. Well, I know exactly how I don't know how you feel because those are different losses. Maybe I had a great relationship with my mom and you didn't. There's too many variables to ever say know exactly how you feel.

SPEAKER_00 14:47

Yeah, I completely understand. And every relationship is unique. So I mean that's kind of exactly what you were saying.

SPEAKER_01 14:54

So I would say also don't compare losing a pet to losing a person. I love pets. There are people that their pets are their babies. I totally get that. Um, but if your pet is your best friend, there's a lot of people who experience that, and that's totally legitimate, totally valid, but you lose your best friend as a person, and to say, Oh, I know exactly how you feel because I lost my cat last year, uh, just to compare that usually is pretty offensive to people who've lost a person, even though it's legitimate that your your dog's your best buddy, we just don't ever want to compare that with losing a person.

SPEAKER_00 15:28

Yeah, that makes complete sense.

unknown 15:30

Yeah.

Hope, Referral Help, And Closing

SPEAKER_00 15:31

And then what message of hope would you share with someone who's walking through this type of loss?

SPEAKER_01 15:37

Well, number one, that there's always hope that this is a survivable experience. That's what I tell everyone. The first thing I say to everybody that I meet at Cornerstone is, it's nice to meet you. I'm sorry, I have to, because if I have to meet you, you've had a loss. But the second thing I say is I promise this is survivable. It may not feel that way in the moment, but you will get through this. You'll be a different person. You'll be a better version of yourself because of this. It's gonna take a minute, it doesn't happen in a year, but but you will survive this. You will come through the other side. Um, because again, and when you're drowning, and grief can feel like you're just drowning. When you're drowning, it doesn't feel like you're gonna survive. So just to give that hope that yes, you lost a significant person in your life, your friend, your best friend, the person that supports you that walks through everything with you, you lost them, and that is so horrible. But you will survive this. You'll see it through to the other side. And when people don't have hope, like that's our job is to hold that hope for them. And if they say, I don't have any hope, I'm gonna feel better, I say, that's okay. I'm gonna hold on to that hope for you. You know, as we work together, we'll transfer that and you'll have that hope.

SPEAKER_00 16:44

That's incredible. Is there anything else you'd like to share with our audience today about this topic before uh we take our leave?

SPEAKER_01 16:52

Uh no, just that if you know somebody who's grieving and you don't know what to say, you can call us, we'll talk you through that. Um and if you know somebody that's really struggling, please feel free to refer them to Cornerstone. I would love to just support them through this process. It's a hard process to go through, and losing a friend is such a significant loss for many, many people. And again, it's kind of a disenfranchised grief. It's one that we don't usually talk about because we talk about the big three parent, child, or spouse. Uh, but losing a good friend is significant, significant loss.

SPEAKER_00 17:24

Well, I am going to be linking your guys' website in the description below so anyone listening can find you guys. Uh you guys are on social media, correct? Facebook, Instagram. So you can find them on there as well. Well, thank you, Julia, for sharing your insight and for the important work you do at Cornerstone of Hope. Thank you for having me. I appreciate it. And for our listeners, if you or someone you know is struggling with the loss of a loved one, we encourage you to reach out for support. Organizations like Cornerstone of Hope offer compassionate resources and guidance for those navigating grief. Thank you for listening. And if today's conversation resonated with you, please consider sharing it with someone who might need to hear it. And as always, we keep you and your loved ones in our prayer. Until next time, take care.