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Inspiring Stories of Healing and Hope- Maria Turcoliveri

• The Catholic Cemeteries Association

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CCAirwaves welcomes Maria Turcoliveri as the latest guest for the Inspiring Stories of Healing and Hope Series!

Maria and Nicolo Turcoliveri have been married since 2011. They have three sons: Nicolo Jr., Santino, and Giuliano. Nicolo Jr. became an angel in 2012. Maria also has three angels from a miscarriage in 2017.

For more information about Cornerstone of Hope, click here.  




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Speaker 1:

Thank you so much for joining us. Hello everyone and welcome back to CC Airwaves. My name is Paige Metillo and I'm here with my co-host, joel Hansel.

Speaker 2:

Good morning Paige.

Speaker 1:

Good morning, joel. Today we are happy to bring back our Inspiring Stories of Healing and Hope series, which features guests discussing their own experience in navigating grief and life after loss. Our guest for today is Maria Turkelvery. How are you doing today?

Speaker 3:

Hi, great, thank you.

Speaker 1:

So, no problem, I'm excited to have you here. Why don't you tell our listeners a little bit about yourself?

Speaker 3:

Okay, so my husband and I were born both in Cleveland Ohio. We met back in 2008. We got married three years later and we were so excited to have a huge Italian family because both Nick and I come from large Italian families. So we found out we were pregnant, with our son in March of 2012, to be due in December or, excuse me, november. We were so excited because Nick is also born in November and he wanted to have, you know, his kind of legacy, so to speak. Um, but we, we had a normal pregnancy and, um, it was actually a fun pregnancy I've never been pregnant before. So it was so exciting to like, feel great and, you know, still do everything. And, um, we met every marker during the pregnancy for our son. Um, we didn't find out we were having a boy until after he was born.

Speaker 3:

But, um, the morning of November 12th went into our doctor's appointment because I was five days, I was 40 weeks and five days, so I was considered still, you know, timely with the pregnancy, but considered late for the doctor. So she said you know, we'll just check you on. It was a Monday, we'll check you on that Monday, see how you're, and we'll kind of go from there. So when I went in for the routine checkup appointment the baby was weighing good, kind of moving around, but not as much as they thought. He was not as active as they had thought and his heartbeat was still going normal and strong. So our doctor said you know what, why wait any longer? Let's just go down and we'll have you have the baby. So of course Nick and I are like, oh my gosh, whoa. We weren't really expecting that to come from the appointment, but we did. So we went to the labor and delivery at the McDonald House University Hospitals the labor and delivery at the McDonald House University Hospitals and I tried to do, you know, normal labor. But I didn't progress and every time I would have a contraction the baby's heart rate would drop.

Speaker 3:

But after C-section that evening Nicolo Jr was born. He was born at seven pounds five ounces and he was 19 inches long. So our doctors, upon inspection for him, thought that he had looked normal, but his arms and legs were considered to be floppy, not that that's like a medical diagnosis, but they wanted to look into that further. So they thought it was maybe related to like nerve damage or something. But then after five days of being in the hospital and, seeing various doctors, they discovered that Nicolo had a genetic disorder called SMA, which is spinal muscular atrophy.

Speaker 3:

So what that means was that Nick and I were both carriers of this disease and we we weren't aware of it. We never had any reason to check for anything. We had, um nieces and nephews on nick's side that were all born normal, with no concerns or issues. Um, at that time, when nicola was born, he there were no uh grandchildren on our side, but but all of us were fine, like all of my siblings and everybody. So we were, you know, disappointed with, of course, the diagnosis, but we wanted to make sure. We tried to live every day because we didn't know what to expect. And at the time too, when I was pregnant, they didn't do any testing for SMA, like prenatally. So I guess, regardless, had we found out if he had SMA or not, we probably could have been more prepared, but we wouldn't have changed anything or done anything. So I guess probably more education would have been nice and helpful. We had a neurologist, dr Gold, who told us please do not look up anything on the internet. Whatever you have questions on, just email me or message me and I'll be happy to get you any information. So Nick and I almost became like genetic counselors and, you know, advocates for learning about SMA and the disease. We tried to do as much research as we could and we took Nicola probably to any and every doctor that we could in Northeast Ohio and it was nice because some of them were so accommodating to us they came and visited us at our house and that so we really were given VIP treatments.

Speaker 3:

But our son passed away 38 days after he was born, on December 20th. So we were expecting to have a great and wonderful Christmas that year, but of course our plans had changed out of our control. But you know we say this all the time to everybody like we were so happy with Nicolo that we were able to have a great Christmas and he made us more happy than we could ever be sad. So we were really grateful and thankful for that and to experience all of my first pregnancy, our first birth, our first child, so that sort of thing, and Nick was so excited to have a namesake. So we were happy in that regard. Happy in that regard. So Nicolo did pass on December 20th 2012. And we were completely, you know, devastated. We tried to do whatever we could and we felt confident that we did do whatever we can for him.

Speaker 1:

So and you have more children. That's correct, right.

Speaker 3:

We do. We were blessed with two boys after he was born and we also have I had well, we have. So Santino is nine now. He was born in 2014 and he talks and acknowledges that he had an older brother, which we think is just the best thing ever. He had an older brother, which we think is just the best thing ever. And then we have Giuliano, who was born in 2020, in July, and he will be four coming up. I did experience a miscarriage in 2017. At that time, I was pregnant with.

Speaker 3:

They thought it was going to be twins, and then upon the next visit to the doctor's office they actually had heard a third heartbeat and so they were going to do some more investigation on that. So I potentially had triplets. And then the week after we had gone in for our next appointment, we actually didn't hear any heartbeats on that visit. So sadly, we had suffered a miscarriage. So we do have some extra angel babies that we refer to looking after us or for us. So our pregnancy journey has been very, you know, unexpecting and difficult and you know that sort of thing. But I feel so blessed because we've overcome everything and I feel like Nick and I have such a great relationship. In spite of going through all of this tragedy, our relationship has kind of grown stronger, so we are very grateful and thankful for that.

Speaker 1:

So how did you work through the grief of losing your son and even the grief through the miscarriages?

Speaker 3:

Yeah, so we were so fortunate to find our way to Cornerstone of Hope.

Speaker 3:

Nick's mom, or Nick's aunt, had lost her husband when he was much younger and she had young children, and so someone had referred her to Cornerstone of Hope.

Speaker 3:

So she had called us and said, if there's anything that you guys need, but this is what I used and it helped me, and so we went to Cornerstone the January like January in 2013, right after Nicolo had passed, and we were part of an infant loss group with eight to 10 other families and moms and dads, and we truly credit that. We would not be where we are today if it wasn't for Cornerstone of Hope. They really taught us how to navigate our grief and live with our new normal, but they also gave us so many resources and to this day, some of the people that were in that group are still friends of ours. To this day, some of the people that were in that group are still friends of ours, and so we always comment that it's a club that nobody wants to be a part of, but once you are in it, you meet so many wonderful people and there's just so many people that experience terrible, sad things and I think, truly having the resource of Cornerstone really helped us and helped other families as well.

Speaker 1:

It must be really comforting to know that you're not alone in your journey of grief and that other people are going through the same thing.

Speaker 3:

Yes, yes, completely. You're exactly right.

Speaker 2:

How did Cornerstone of Hope and griefief Support Groups help you work through the grief process?

Speaker 3:

Did you ask how? I didn't hear.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, how did Cornerstone of Hope and Grief Support Groups help you work through the grief process?

Speaker 3:

Yeah, yeah. So we our first meeting, you know, we kind of sat in the room with a bunch of strangers. We didn't know anybody and we were just kind of staring around the room and you almost have this like connection or this bond with other people. And I also say that, like every time I walk through that room, I never feel judged, Like we just came with every raw emotion possible and told our story after a few meetings and they, you know, really helped us talk it through. What to expect, you know, from other families.

Speaker 3:

A lot of the people in our group were concerned about a lot of the same things.

Speaker 3:

We were like seeing another baby, hearing another baby cry, or what if we have another baby, how to go through the pregnancy again or how to deal with you know, some of the new firsts and things, but also just the reality of, like other people don't know what you're going through, but this group really does.

Speaker 3:

So just hearing their stories and having that sort of camaraderie and that connection and that conversation really made us feel so comfortable and truly value that. Like you know, you can turn as much as we, Nick and I, had, you know, bouts where we were mad at God or sad about our religion, Like how could this happen? And it was just a way for us to kind of rediscover and have a different relationship with God, just to see what other people were going through and doing, and I think that that has really helped us. You know, every week in our group of our support group, our 12 week session was a different topic to discuss and to talk about. Week session was a different topic to discuss and to talk about and it was kind of like no, no topic was unavoidable. You know, even if it wasn't on their agenda, like the facilitators agenda, we still asked questions and talked and it was like a safe space and I think that that was the number one thing that had helped us, and you and Nick are both facilitators at Cornerstone of Hope.

Speaker 1:

now correct, Correct.

Speaker 3:

We are. So we truly and I said this earlier like we would not be where we are today without them. And so we really wanted to try to give back to Cornerstone. We had done a few fundraisers with a good friend of our family. He has since actually passed away and I know his wife has utilized some services at Cornerstone. So we try to do some fundraisers and we try to do some ways to give back and like donations. You know we always tell family and friends like they always ask how they could help and stuff. So we always say if you want you could volunteer your time or if you have financial resources available to donate to this such a great cause.

Speaker 3:

And so we have facilitated some infant loss groups and from there we kind of stemmed and did this mom's club. So I run this group for other moms who have had a loss of any type with child To come to our group it's, you know you don't necessarily have to register beforehand, but it's the third Saturday of every month it's at Cornerstone and it's just a nice way to have conversation with other moms. Some people aren't quite ready for a group support or facilitated loss group and some maybe just want to just pop in and see what it's like. You know they're not quite ready to share their story or to talk, so that's kind of what the Moms Club was designed to do. So it's been quite a cool journey for me to meet other moms and to find ways to give back to Cornerstone.

Speaker 1:

That is wonderful. I mean, we had the Tripodis on our podcast and they are just such wonderful people and so inspiring.

Speaker 3:

Yes, they are and and sadly, you know, their mission was truly so. No one will grieve alone, because they were so alone after they lost their son. And you know, nick and I say this too like we have a huge family and it's like one everyone can say things and and do things. But unless you experience it and no, with no fault of our families they just don't know. And so I'm sure at that time Mark and Christy felt so alone because as much as people wanted to comfort you, it's you know, they, they just don know. And I think that their mission has truly touched the lives of so many people. Any loss, not just not just infant loss and not just the loss of a child, but truly any loss, anytime someone is grieving and they find their way there, they, they truly have a great experience and a great opportunity to get resources and information to really help them so, going back to nicolo jr, do you mind sharing how you handle going through important life events without him?

Speaker 3:

yeah, it's. I mean it's still ongoing, you know, just having him having brothers now and not being able to, you know, see three, three guys, you know, playing outside or that sort of thing, yeah, so we really truly try to keep him in his memory alive. We know we talk about him, we, we visit him at the cemetery often. That's our other like place of peace. We go there uh on the regular and, um, you know, our boys bring him like trinkets and toys on his headstone. Uh, we really just try to keep his memory alive. We try to talk, like I talk to him sometimes. I know that sounds probably odd, but you know.

Speaker 1:

I don't think it's odd.

Speaker 3:

I talk to him and I look for signs. So I know he's with us and I know one day I will see him again and all the in between won't matter, all the questions I have and all the things that we've experienced without him won't matter, because I'll see him again and and Uh, but just, we, we just really truly try to, like I said, keep his memory alive, involve him in the things that we're doing. You know, like, like, for example, um for his birthday, so we have his, we celebrate his birthday, and then we celebrate his angelversary. So his birthday, uh, we go and, you know, sing happy birthday. The boys get a kick about blowing out his candles, stuff like that. So you know, we try to do what we can to just make him still a part of our lives yeah, I mean, we had a mother on here who had lost her son and he was older.

Speaker 1:

He was 18, I believe. I it was beth thorpe right and she was telling us that she finds comfort in knowing that her son is now part of her future now, and that has always brought her immense comfort.

Speaker 3:

That's so true. Oh, I like that.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, and our director now has been saying that to families because he loved the saying as well, because it's important to remember that they might be gone in this moment, but now they're part of your future and you will see them again.

Speaker 3:

Yes, yes, I know that. So you know a lot of. When we first experienced Nicola's loss, a lot of our friends felt like they couldn't be around us because they had young kids. And at the time that I was pregnant, you know Nick's closest friends, their wives, were all also pregnant. So there was about a group of six or eight kids that were born right around when Nicola was born and you know, one of the moms had just said to Nick like we feel terrible coming over your house with our kids, and Nick just said you know, don't, you're just as long as you're a good person and a good mom, you don't need to apologize. You know your, your children are part of your life and just you know, he, he, he would always say like, just be a good person so you could see him again and just do what you can to. Sorry, I was just getting a phone call to um. Sorry, I was just getting a phone call. Do what you can to um.

Speaker 2:

You know, make it so you could be in heaven one day with him. I could see where that would be within your peer group, like like the others, like feel awkward, or even almost like guilty. Right, oh, we've got our, our child and you don't, and there's, I can totally see that.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, yeah, and so you know it was. It was kind of nice that someone had thought about that also and said something to us, right? And so, nick, just said her name's.

Speaker 3:

Nicole and Nick just said you know what? Nicole, just be us Right. And so Nick just said her name's Nicole, and Nick just said you know what? Nicole, just be a good mom and that's. You know. That's what we need is.

Speaker 3:

We don't want, we didn't want at the time. Also, you know child loss and infant loss is so taboo. You know people don't know what to say. I've had countless people tell me like, oh, you'll have another one, you know. Or or you know you can't blame them because they don't know, but people just kind of treat you like awkwardly, you know, like the elephant in the room.

Speaker 3:

And that was one of the things that Nick and I tried to not focus on because, yes, we love our son and and it is a huge, huge part of our life, but we didn't want people to feel, like you said, joel, like guilty or embarrassed because they have something that we don't have. We, we have a child, we have a son, we have an angel and we are more fortunate than a lot of people because we were able to meet him, we were able to experience him first. You know we celebrated his one month birthday as if it was his first birthday. We got to celebrate Thanksgiving, which was his holiday. You know things like that. So we, we truly value the good instead of, you know, looking at the, the things that we, yeah, we there's a lot we experience in life that we can't have, but we just try to remember all the things that we did do fantastic. I'm still stuck on the fact that we did do.

Speaker 2:

That's fantastic.

Speaker 1:

I'm still stuck on the fact that someone would say that to you about you could always have another. I mean, we talk about that a lot with our grief support.

Speaker 2:

They just don't know what to say.

Speaker 1:

They think they're helping, they think that they're comforting you and they just end up saying the wrong thing and you know it's coming from a good place trying to provide comfort.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, it's not malicious, it's just they don't know any better.

Speaker 1:

But we talk about that with Rhonda, sometimes our grief coordinator.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, and especially, like I said, especially with a child loss. You know the circle of life is supposed to be different, right, we're supposed to be, you know, sadly burying our grandparents and our parents and not a child. And yeah, I think people just don't know and they truly want to say some comforting things, but it's okay. We weren't offended when that person said multiple people actually said stuff. That person's that multiple people actually said stuff. But we just we knew and part of what we knew was from Cornerstone people saying, you know, people are going to tell you some crazy things, but you know, you just you know that it comes from their heart and it's a good place.

Speaker 1:

So our final question for this podcast is do you have any advice for anyone who may be experiencing a similar loss?

Speaker 3:

didn't want to get out of bed, and there were days where we didn't want to get dressed. And there's still days where you know you, you have a trigger that you just can't control, and that's okay. It is okay to cry, it is okay to. If you don't feel like doing something, it is okay. I think I think the big takeaway would be to be honest with yourself and to just really you know, if you're not feeling it, you don't have to explain to anybody. You know you don't have to have to. You know make believe that something's going to be great. I think people are more willing to be supportive when they know that you're going through something that is very hard and you're honest about your feelings. That is very hard and you're honest about your feelings.

Speaker 3:

Um, you know, nick and I both grieved differently, which we learned to. Uh, nick was more of uh, let's talk about our feelings, which is funny because they usually say women are the ones that try to talk about our feelings, but in, in our situation, I like was the type of person that shut down. I didn't want to talk to anybody, I just wanted to like process it and like kind of find my own peace first, before I had other people listening to what I was thinking or saying and Nick was very vocal, like he wanted to talk about it and wanted me to talk about it and have. We wanted to have conversations about things and to an extent we did. But it was also interesting to find how, what type of person you are when it comes to some sort of tragedy or something you know important in life.

Speaker 3:

But I'll say my biggest takeaway is just to just to be honest with yourself. You don't have to prove anything. You know, having a loss, especially the loss of a child, is so tragic and it is just so. It changes everything. You know it changes your outlook in life. You know we, we tried, not that I would. Um, you do get frustrated and annoyed and angered at times, but I really try to like be patient with my kids and listen to what they have to say, and I think it really opened my eyes to just being like a good person and just to rely more on God and know that like prayers are going to be answered and just try to be more faithful in that. But I think if someone is, you know, going through this, if they find a way to get to Cornerstone. I highly recommend it. I also recommend just you know, doing the things that they like to do or they want to do, and being honest with their feelings.

Speaker 1:

That's really great advice.

Speaker 3:

Can't say that it's the best, but that was one of the things that we tried to do too. If we weren't feeling good about going somewhere, we would just say you know, we're not going to go, and we do still do that now. You know like I hope our friends aren't mad about us canceling plans or doing things, but if we just didn't feel like something was right, we didn't want to force ourselves to like go and, you know, go through the motions when it wasn't feeling right, and so we were truly honest about that.

Speaker 1:

I like that.

Speaker 2:

I mean, it makes sense.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, all right. Well, thank you so much, maria, for joining us today. We really appreciate you being so open and honest on the podcast with us and we appreciate you sharing your story and how Cornerstone of Hope played an important role in your healing process.

Speaker 3:

Thank you. Thank you for having me today and thanks for talking about it. I truly appreciate your time. Thank you you me today and thanks for talking about it. I truly appreciate your time, thank you.

Speaker 2:

You're welcome.

Speaker 1:

You're welcome and please send your husband all of our love. We missed him, but I know, I'll hear about it that he wasn't able to be here. Well, we could always have him on a different day if he'd like to share his side.

Speaker 3:

So I think that, yeah, that might be really neat because, like I said, we grieved differently and we went through things differently. It might be different to have a male perspective on the situation.

Speaker 1:

Well, thank you again so much for joining us and for our listeners. Thank you for listening and we will see you next week. Thank you.