Tanis Merimee, one of the founders of Marriages of Grace, joins us to share her insights into grief and marriage.
This episode is a testament to the strength found in unity and the solace provided by faith and community in Catholic marriages.
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Podcast: "CCAirwaves" on your favorite streaming platform!
Tanis Merimee, one of the founders of Marriages of Grace, joins us to share her insights into grief and marriage.
This episode is a testament to the strength found in unity and the solace provided by faith and community in Catholic marriages.
Do you have a topic you'd like us to discuss? Please email us at podcast@clecem.org!
Please feel free to "Connect With Us" via our website at www.clecem.org.
Follow us on:
Facebook: @catholiccemeteriesassociation
Twitter: @CLECatholicCems
Instagram: @clecatholiccems
Blog: @clevelandcatholiccemeteries
Podcast: "CCAirwaves" on your favorite streaming platform!
Thank you for watching. Hello everyone and welcome back to CC Airwaves. My name is Paige Matillo and today we have a special guest. This is Tanis Merrimie, president and founder of Marriages of Grace. How are you doing today? I'mriages of Grace? How are you doing today? I'm great, paige. How are you? I'm doing really good. You know, I'm a little bit under the weather, but we're starting to feel better, so it's all going well.
Speaker 2:That's this time of year, you know we get the hot and then we get the cold. We live in Cleveland, so I know we all have to deal with that right.
Speaker 1:It was snowing yesterday, and then at the end of the night I was able to wear sandals, so I'm very confused about what's going on with the weather right now.
Speaker 2:As we all are.
Speaker 1:So why don't you just start off by telling us a little bit about yourself?
Speaker 2:Sure, absolutely yeah. So I have been married for 32 years. I have nine children. I have four grandchildren. I have two on the way. My husband and I actually met in music school he's a violinist and I'm a cellist and we got married very young we were 20. And then we had our oldest when we were 21. So it's been a. It's been a long and wild ride. It's been really exciting. My husband is actually a retired firefighter. He just started a new job with the Cleveland Clinic as an EMS director, and I have homeschooled on and off for 26 years, and now is my very first year that I'm not homeschooling. So I'm still playing, I still am a cellist, I freelance extensively throughout the Cleveland area, and so that's a little bit about us.
Speaker 1:Wow, that's incredible Nine children, yeah, yeah, I'm sure your house was really busy then, oh my goodness, you have no idea.
Speaker 2:Whenever we have people over to the house, if there's going to be a lot of us here, we always kind of give them a heads up. Hey, it can be a little overwhelming. There's a lot of us and there's always lots of noise but it's always fun.
Speaker 1:I mean, as an only child, it's hard for me to imagine that's. That's. That's amazing though. Big beautiful family and now extra grandchildren oh, that's wonderful.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's fun. It's lots of fun.
Speaker 1:So can you tell me a little bit about your journey leading up to Marriages of Grace? Yeah, sure.
Speaker 2:So my husband and I actually worked in pre-Cana for many years. We helped out at the Jesuit retreat house and we would prepare couples for marriage, so we would give different talks. We did that for quite a few years actually, and we started to realize actually that once we had prepared these couples for marriage and then they were married, there really wasn't a lot out there for them. This was back, you know, 2008, 9, 10, you know somewhere in there, and there just weren't a lot of programs for couples after the marriage and we felt like we were almost doing them a disservice, Like, okay, here we are, we're helping you, we're preparing you for marriage, but you know, good luck, Hope it all goes well, and then not giving them any support beyond that. And then there was one year that we actually attended a marriage enrichment and we were asked to support beyond that. And then there was one year that we actually attended a marriage enrichment and we were asked to give our testimony and we went to that event. It was down near Akron and we loved it. It was just such a great experience and we left there thinking this is wonderful, this is. You know, something like this needs to continue. So we offered to help.
Speaker 2:The following year, and before you knew it, we were actually running the event. So then, in 2012, we decided well, let's incorporate, let's make a nonprofit. We wanted the tax exempt status, so we incorporated as a 501c3. We called ourselves Marriages of Grace and I mean we've been going ever since. So you know it's officially we've been in existence since 2012. But actually you know we had been doing marriage enrichments even prior to that. So it's, it's. It's been a while.
Speaker 1:That's great. And then what's the primary mission of Marriages of Grace?
Speaker 2:Yeah, so you know part of our. When we founded Marriages of Grace, we realized also that we had been blessed. My husband and I had both been blessed by being raised in families and we saw the witness of our own parents. They loved each other. You know, we really had a great example of what marriage was.
Speaker 2:So we wanted to be able to give back a little bit, and the goal through all of this was to enrich and strengthen Catholic couples. And the way we decided to do that initially was just through an annual marriage enrichment. But then, as time went on, we knew that there needed to be more. So we started up these events called. We called them Canaanites. It's a little bit of a play on words, but it's really theology on tap for married couples. It's a little bit of a play on words, but it's really theology on tap for married couples and it's at a bar or restaurant and they happen every two months now. So it's an opportunity for couples to gather in a really relaxed setting and enjoy appetizers and food and drinks and then have a speaker and get to meet other Catholic couples. So we we have events every two months.
Speaker 1:That's wonderful, and I believe I saw that you guys even are outside of Ohio now in Pennsylvania, right.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so actually when, when Bishop Perez was here in the Diocese of Cleveland, he was extremely supportive of Marriages of Grace, he really helped and and encouraged us to keep going in this mission. And he left, obviously, and went to philadelphia and when he went he wanted marriages of grace to be there in philadelphia. So he kind of tasked a group of people in philly with bringing marriages of grace there. So, um, so they've been up and going for a few years. Um, a little bit different maybe than what we do, because they're very strongly affiliated with the diocese. We have great support from the diocese, but we're actually run by the diocese. We're an independent, you know, organization and although marriages of grace is independent, there there's a little bit more involvement from the diocese in philly. So it's slightly different, but but the same mission it's a great cause.
Speaker 1:I think that it's really important, especially because you're correct. I mean, you have these pre-cannas, but then couples get married and then there is essentially no support for them. You know right? Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, there's more now. I think there's a lot of individual parishes within the diocese that are doing so much more for marriage than they were even back in 2012 when we started, so I'm really excited to see so many more marriage initiatives and enrichments and things like that going on throughout the diocese. It's wonderful.
Speaker 1:That is so great, and I'm glad the Diocese of Cleveland is supporting you in your mission.
Speaker 2:Yeah, they're just awesome. It's been a great support network for us.
Speaker 1:So today we're going to talk a little bit about grief and how married couples can face grief together. So what do you believe are some unique challenges that married couples face when they're dealing with grief?
Speaker 2:Yeah, so sure. So you know, all couples are going to have to face grief at some point in their marriage. We know that right. So everyone's going to lose a grandparent or a parent. And then some couples are going to have to deal with the grief that's associated with miscarriage. Some couples very few will have to deal with the loss of a child, but this is obviously a significant challenge for any marriage. And then other couples are going to have to come to terms with the loss of their spouse. Even so, when dealing with any of these forms of grief, there's going to be emotional challenges that are new, that they haven't experienced before, and I think one of the unique challenges for any marriage is trying to understand that our spouse might not process grief the same way we do.
Speaker 2:So, you know, our spouse might comprehend the way we deal with our own grief, but then there's often a disconnect that arises because there's a lack of understanding between the spouses about how they each are processing their own grief. So I think that's definitely one of the most challenging situations and, again, like, the grief is going to be different if you've lost a grandparent, because that's expected to be different if you've lost a grandparent because that's expected, it's going to be maybe a little more challenging.
Speaker 1:If you've lost a parent, because that's a lot more personal and difficult.
Speaker 2:But then when you're dealing with miscarriage or the loss of a child, I think that's even more traumatic and that's going to pose an even greater challenge to the marriage.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I really like what you said about how couples sometimes have different ways of grieving, which is one of the biggest challenges that can arise from that grief, and I think you're correct. I mean, some people want to talk about their grief and some people just want to hold it in and they handle it in other ways, like through physical activity or through praying, or they just have different outlets besides speaking about it, and so I think you're 100% correct that those married couples might, you know, have issues dealing with it together if they deal with grief in different ways.
Speaker 2:Right, exactly, I think that they need to be empathetic. You know they need to not be critical, so the disconnect can be a strain and then you get emotional distance. That arises because they're dealing with the grief differently, and that's part of that is just because they're not communicating properly, they're not explaining. Hey look, this is a lot more difficult for me than maybe it is for you, and this is how I'm processing it right now. And it's so easy to be critical of your spouse when they do something different. I mean, I know, even like my husband does things differently than I do and sometimes I'm like why do you do it like that Right?
Speaker 2:It's the same thing with grief, like, well, why aren't you as upset as I am right now? Or you know, how can you just go on with your your life and do the usual things when here I am struggling so much? So, yeah, it needs to be communicated. I think is a big part of that to be able to overcome that challenge. And then you know, just to touch on that, that the infant or child loss a little bit too.
Speaker 2:You know there's statistics out there that say that 80, upwards of 80 percent of couples that lose a child end in divorce. But I'm actually not sure how accurate that statistic is. I know it kind of floats up, floats around out there, um, but I I think that you know, for those couples, if they had problems in their marriage before they lost a child, then the loss of the child is going to amplify the the challenge that already existed beforehand. So this grief that they're experiencing is going to amplify the challenge that already existed beforehand. So this grief that they're experiencing is going to amplify whatever challenges they had before the loss. And then this is going to increase their chance of, you know, possible separation or divorce.
Speaker 2:But but actually you know the most couples that I know who have lost a child. They've actually persevered and they've been strengthened because of their trial. So, you know, I believe that if a marriage can make it through the grief of losing a child, then they're going to make it through any challenge that they're going to face in the future. So, you know, that's obviously a very unique challenge that any marriage is going to have to face, but I think it's something that couples need to be aware is a possibility, and then they work on their problems so that, if they are faced with that kind of grief or that kind of challenge, they're able to overcome it when it does happen.
Speaker 1:We had a couple on last year on the podcast who had lost their son and he was a young boy and he had.
Speaker 1:You know, they had other children and the way they described how they handled the loss I thought was very beautiful, because their main focus was making sure that the other person was taken care of. So there were some days when the father was able to give more of himself to the family and the mother was just not able to, so they were able to pick up where the other person may have been lacking on that specific day. So if the mother was only able to give 20% because she was dealing with grief, the father gave 80% and I thought it was really beautiful. They were able to do that instead of you know, oh, I'm doing 50 and you're only doing 20. You know, I will pick up that other 30 percent for you because you are my person. We are a family, we have other children and we're both dealing with this and I know what you're feeling and I thought that was a very beautiful way of handling it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that is really really beautiful, yeah. So I think it can be a strengthening thing because they're they're able to recognize hey, this is really difficult for both of us. Let's work on this and and those are the couples that are really going to thrive, because they're willing to persevere and they're willing to work through you know that, that that just terrible loss.
Speaker 1:Do you have any advice for a couple who is navigating the path of grief together?
Speaker 2:So the first thing that I would say is that all married couples should be praying together. So prayer can help couples navigate this path of grief together, because it allows couples to express their grief while at the same time asking God to heal their broken hearts. So you know from from my own, for my husband and I, from our own experience of losing our parents when we were only in our 20s, we found that prayers were just of the utmost help. We kind of like I said before, you know, my husband and I had a beautiful example in our own parents of marriage and a strong marriage. So we were able to incorporate that into our own marriage and prayer was one of those things that was just very natural for my husband and I. From the very beginning, and through all this marriage ministry work that I've done, I've realized that actually not all couples pray together. I didn't realize that when I first entered into this work, but I encourage all couples to do so because it's such a strengthening of the marriage bond and it also helps through difficult times. You know when, when, when, when our parents died, we were, like I said, in our late twenties. I only have my mom left and my both my husband's parents died and my dad died when we were very young. So, you know, we started having things like masses offered up for our parents. We would gain indulgences and offer them up for the repose of our parents' soul. And then we started incorporating this prayer before all of our meals. We will pray grace, and then at the very end we would say you know, may the souls of the faithful departed through the mercy of God rest in peace. So this is something we do to this day. So I think that if couples haven't been praying together before they experience a loss, if they begin praying together, I think that's such a strengthening of their bond and it's an ability for them to be able to have an outlet for their grief. And then they also know that there's something concrete that they're doing to kind of overcome the grief. So that's the one thing I would say would be very, very important.
Speaker 2:And then, secondly, I would say that being honest and communicating with our spouse is just of utmost importance. You know, again, personally I can kind of attest to like this distance that can arise because of differences in the way my husband and I process grief. So we've had two miscarriages. We had nine children, but we had two miscarriages and each time I experienced the loss much more acutely than my husband did. It was difficult for him to understand the grief that I felt and because of that I felt distance from him. But I'm not sure that I was completely honest with him and I don't think I communicated well what I was experiencing. So that really created this, you know, kind of distance in my own heart. So I think communication has to be really important honesty and communication between spouses when they're dealing with grief. And then a third thing I would say is family and compassionate friends. So you know, you know I have a big family, I've got my kids and everything else, but my own family itself is actually kind of large.
Speaker 2:I have five siblings and I've got lots of nieces and nephews and you know, being surrounded by family and friends that you can share your grief with is just so powerful. When, when my dad died, he was only 57 when he died and and my mom was just devastated they, they just had such a beautiful, strong relationship and he was her rock. Such a beautiful strong relationship and he was her rock. So you know, when he died, we were all together. It was all my, my siblings, you know the grandchildren that were there at the time, and and I think if my mom hadn't have had this, this family and this support network, it just would have been so much more difficult. She obviously had a deep faith as well, but you know, the fact that we can talk together about my dad and bring up memories and share stories I mean, how powerful is that right For to be able to have that kind of support network? Absolutely yeah.
Speaker 2:And then, and I think the last thing that I would, that I would kind of advice that I would give to couples, is to to seek out counseling if you really need it. You know we've got cornerstone of hope here in Cleveland. You know, so I would. Yeah, I guess those are the four things that that, in my mind, are really important. You know, pray, be honest and communicate, find a great support network Hopefully that's your family or close friends and then seek out grief counseling.
Speaker 1:I think grief counseling is really important, and that's your family or close friends, and then seek out grief counseling. I think grief counseling is really important and that's something that we talk a lot about on the podcast as well, because the Catholic Cemeteries Association actually has grief support groups that we do once a month at the cemetery locations and then also online. So I think that and we also you know, we speak about Cornerstone of Hope and Joel's Place because we really think that if people need that help, then they should be seeking it out, and there are so many great organizations in Cleveland that can offer it to them, right, and I'm sure I'm not very familiar with it, but I'm sure there's parishes and your priesthood, they're all going to be there for you, right?
Speaker 2:And so having that faith, community, having the friends, having all of that is is going to be extremely important, especially for marriages. That you know, we all know. I mean the divorce, the statistics out there. There's a 50% divorce rate right now and it's been like that for a while. So you know, if you already have things stacked against you, just in general, being in a Catholic, christian, sacramental marriage, then you know when you're faced with grief it's going to be even more difficult. So definitely get the help that's needed and don't don't let that be a source of strain in your marriage. It's not necessary when you've got the help that's out there.
Speaker 1:So you said that your father had passed away and your mother, you know, obviously was very upset. I know that this isn't something that we really were talking about the loss of a spouse but how did she handle losing a spouse? What did she do to handle that grief?
Speaker 2:Yeah, so actually it's a beautiful story. You know, death is obviously sad, but there can also be beauty in it. And from my from my own experience watching my mom and my dad, and that you know that particular situation, it was very, very unexpected and we all rushed to the hospital and we stood around his hospital bed and we were actually praying the rosary, we were praying the glorious mysteries of the rosary when he died. And just he had also this was kind of an amazing thing to me One of those witnesses that you know God is there and he's with us.
Speaker 2:When I got to the hospital he had they needed to give him an MRI or a CT scan, I guess, and I noticed when I got there that he didn't have his scapular on. So I asked my mom you know where's his scapular? And they said, well, she had to take it off when they went to scan him. So I took mine off and I put it around my dad's neck and he actually died wearing that scapular. And then later I realized that he died on the feast of St Simon Stock, who is, you know, he is the one who gave us the scapular. So for me, knowing that my dad died with the scapular around his neck. On the feast of St Simon Stock we're all around his bed praying the glorious mysteries of the rosary as the sun was rising.
Speaker 2:For me that was just such a huge strength.
Speaker 2:But for my mom it was just an unbelievable source of strength for her.
Speaker 2:So later the hospital staff actually said to her I mean she did really break down and she was pretty inconsolable there for a while. But but they said to her later they said we've never witnessed such a beautiful testimony of faith and strength that you and your family showed at the time of your husband's death. And and she was a witness to that she just said you know, if I didn't have my faith, I don't know what I would do, and but that that that God was taking care of him and and you know he received last right. Actually this is a kind of a cool story too. As he was being wheeled into the hospital, a priest was walking out and he looked down and recognized my dad and gave him last rites as he was being wheeled. You know, those promises of the rosary, those, all those promises that we know as Catholics are part of our faith. We witnessed that in when my dad passed and and that has just been an incredible source of strength for my mom from from the very beginning.
Speaker 1:That's incredible. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now I am going to be linking your Web site below, just so that way our listeners can look at your site and see if there's any events that they're interested in going to. Do you have any upcoming events that our listeners might be interested in attending?
Speaker 2:Yeah, for sure. So I think that, first of all, I just want to say that Marriage is a Grace, is just an awesome way for Catholic couples to meet each other. So, you know, whether it's attending the annual Marriage En, which is a day long event, or whether it's attending one of these Canaanites, which is just, you know, a theology on tap, it's just a couple hours on a Friday evening every couple months. You know, especially if you're dealing with grief, going to something like this, you're going to be able to connect with other Catholic couples who are living out their faith and who will be a source of strength and comfort.
Speaker 2:But yeah, we have our big one is coming up on April 20th Saturday April 20th and that's at the Holiday Inn in Independence and it features Tim and Valerie Staples from Catholic Answers. They're out of California and they're our keynote speakers. And then we have lots of breakout sessions and we have mass and confession and a dinner, and that's so. That's our day long event that's actually coming up on April 20. And then we have these bi monthly ones. The next one will be in June and then August and then October. So that's what we have left for the rest of this year, and all of that is available on our website. So people want more information about that event, they can visit marriagesofgraceorg.
Speaker 1:And then what's the best way for them to get involved? Is it to attend these events, or are they able to donate to you guys?
Speaker 2:Yeah. So there's a few things. If they visit our website, they can learn, obviously, a little bit more about us. We always are asking for people to pray for us. There's actually a button that you can click on our homepage and it's just prayers. So you know, if people are willing to pray for Marriages of Grace and pray for our mission of enriching and strengthening Catholic couples, we would be grateful for that. They can also support us financially.
Speaker 2:So we're always in need of sponsors for our events and sponsors just for Marriages of Grace in general, and there's a sponsor us tab. They can click on that and they can support us financially. You know we can use corporate sponsors and Catholic cemeteries. We're just so grateful to you this year for being one of our sponsors for our upcoming event and yeah, that's another way. And then also just recommending recommending engaged or Catholic couples to attend our events. So you know, whether people right now are married or not married, they can always recommend other couples and they can even sponsor a couple. Maybe there's a couple who can't afford to go or wouldn't go otherwise. You can sponsor that couple and you can pay for them to attend one of our events. That's wonderful.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's a great way for people to get involved with the organization. Yeah, thank you.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we're excited about it. Well, thank you so much for joining us today. I know that I was really excited to have you on, and I'm sure our listeners will really be able to learn a lot from what you've said, and I can't wait for them to listen to this. So, guys, I am going to link the website down below in the description, so if you're interested in attending an event or supporting Marriages of Grace, just go look down below and thank you for listening. Have a great day.
Speaker 2:Thank you.